Moving Goal Posts
I highly recommend the book The Gap and the Gain by Dan Sullivan and Benjamin Hardy. The authors tell a story of a wealthy client Dan coached. The client surpassed a benchmark goal he had set in a previous season.  When Sullivan inquired about it the client was disappointed.  He was upset about a deal he’d lost. He focused on what it could have been and was unable to celebrate the success. He moved the goalposts.

This idea of moving the goal posts is one that many of us confront.  We make progress toward our goal but the goal continues to change.  Whether the goal relates to our career, financial position, home, or anything else, it seems inevitable that once we “arrive” we move beyond contentment to needing more.

The Cost of More Ideas
I was a part of an extraordinary business network for a few years. The people in this group are successful, hungry, visionaries, and get things done. I loved this community.  I still do.

Each year they have a conference that is top-notch.  The event was as good as anything I had ever been a part of.  They created a balance between scheduled activity and space to engage with others.  

After having become a regular to this event, one of the organizers had noticed I wasn’t registered for the upcoming event. They appreciated me and wanted me to personally invite me to be a part of the upcoming event.  I was flattered that they would even notice my name missing.

I shared with the organizer that it was important that I not attend the event that year.  In the previous months, I had gained clarity. I knew the specific things in my business and life I needed to focus on.  If I attended that event, the likelihood of that clarity getting derailed was high.  I would see incredible ideas and be inspired by great leaders and my clarity would get muddy. I’d likely end up abandoning the track I was pursuing. This probably says more about me than the event.  But, I knew myself well enough to know this was a concern.

Do not get me wrong.  Being inspired is not bad!  But, chasing rabbits that are not aligned with your commitments can be destructive.

Capitalism. We Have a Problem
The American way is to give everyone the opportunity to pursue their dreams.  (For those getting nervous, I’m not about to go political, I promise.)  The dream of the immigrant is inspiring.  But, I think it’s changed in recent decades.  The whole culture has changed.  The definition of success has changed.  The defining characteristic of capitalism is wealth.  But, not everyone is pursuing financial wealth as their currency. In fact, many attaining wealth soon discover it’s not the fulfilling thing they were seeking all those years.

The metric of wealth is our cultural default.  Perhaps that’s because it’s the easiest dimension of our life to measure. Just click an app, enter your username and password and see your net-worth.  You immediately know if you’re meeting your expectations or not.  If you are, you promptly move the goal posts expecting more.  

But, some of us find our greatest satisfaction in relationships, spiritual activities, knowledge, or other priorities in life.  But, there’s not a bank account or app that allows us to track those areas.  How do we determine if we are achieving success?

In my own pursuit of committing myself to living more with an attitude of contentment, I came across this challenging quote: “The culturally accepted goals of health, wealth, and happiness which are essential to capitalism, are causing widespread misery (Andrew Spencer).”  Could this be true?  Could the very thing that has made America great cause our misery?

Let’s be honest about wealth.  There are a lot of extremely wealthy people that are miserable. They’ve had multiple marriages, battled health crises, and can’t stand the stillness that comes when they don’t have anything on their calendar.  Much like an addict looking for their next fix, those of us entrapped in this culture of building success through capitalism are constantly seeking more.  Many of us have lost our ability to be content.  We’ve given ourselves over to our pursuit of our goals, or worse yet, someone’s goals for us. We’ve exchanged it for the goal of living our best lives.

Breaking Free
There is no doubt that some will read this and vehemently disagree with the premise.  That’s perfectly fine.  There are people in this world wired for pursuing those things that our culture calls success.

For the rest of us, what if we were given permission to redefine success?  What if your bank account, while important to survival, was not what made you feel valued?  What if you could live your best life without depending on anyone else’s expectations of you?

This is a tough task to take on.  However, it is worth the effort.  

The process requires three key steps. I’m going to borrow language from the computer world to help navigate this process.  Here are the three steps:

1. Do a Factory Reset
   You’ve likely got programs running on your operating system (your brain and heart) that do not aligned with who you are.  You were born with some key drives and have some core values.  
   
   There are books you’ve consumed and podcasts you currently listen to that have re-shaped your views.  If you listen, you get fired up. Then, you get frustrated because their operating system isn’t working in your life. Their goals for your life do not align with your goals and values.  
   
   It’s time to do a reset and get your system running optimally again.  You’ll need to remove some things from your way of thinking that are not consistent with who you are.
2. Install the New Operating System
   You choose what software goes into your system.  You achieve this by what you listen to and read and who you engage with.  To filter those influences you need clarity on the things that matter to you.  This will keep you from getting emotionally hijacked. You don’t need to install another failed operating system.
   
   To install the right system, you need to prioritize the things that matter to you.  You have nine elements that all need to be a part of the operating system (Learn more here).  You are wired to value some of those elements more than others.  Those elements that you value at a higher level become the foundation. The rest of your system is built on that foundation. When we get this right, the pursuit of contentment becomes far more accessible.
3. Connect to a Secure Network
   When your operating system is installed it’s time to support it with the proper relationships.  This is called your network.  
   
   To protect your computer, you want to be sure not to plug into the wrong network. Doing so could create conflicts or install viruses on your computer.  The same is true in your life.  
   
   If you plug into relationships with people that do not support your pursuit and values, there is a greater risk of “viruses” getting installed on your system.  You need to surround yourself with content and people that help you pursue what you’ve realized is your priority.  This includes the books and podcasts you consume as well as the relationships you have.

Three steps sounds so easy.  But, it is a process–a hard process. You’ll need to give yourself a lot of grace.  Remember, whenever you log into email or onto social media those algorithms are going to keep the old operating system ideas in front of you.  You have to guard your system.  You have to actively pursue disconnecting from that content and keeping focused on the new orientation you’ve established.

Final Thoughts
You can find contentment even in a world of discontentment.  But, the world isn’t going to lead you to it.  It’s going to push you to drive harder and want more.  You don’t have to conform to that narrative and drive.

To achieve this it will require your commitment to pursue it.  It’s a decision you have to make.  Then you follow it with constant daily choices to resist the temptation to consume the content and ideas you’ve been pursuing. Pursue the new content and a new community that aligns with who you are and who you are becoming.Warning: Shameless Self-Promotion
If you want to start your process of doing a factory reset, join us for our upcoming 4-week online Mastermind called Bring the Best You to Your Community.   We start October 16, 2023. I have some more spaces available.  The cost is $49.  If you need a scholarship to get this mastermind at no cost, feel free to use the coupon code:  Oct23Guest

The post The Art of Contentment In World of Discontentment first appeared on Circle of 5 Coaching.

Anyone else quit watching the news sometime along the way in 2020?  Just me?

I just got tired of all the angst and drama in our world.  I know I have a responsibility to be informed.  But, after race riots, covid deaths rising, election drama, and crime rates soaring it came to the point that I had to make a decision for my own well-being to turn off the news.

Apparently I wasn’t the only one.  In 2021, the percentage drop of weeknight viewership of the evening news was in the teens.  The cable news networks saw percentage drops in the mid-20’s to mid-30’s.  A lot of us felt we had to shut it off.

No doubt, many of us are still in that mode.  And, in case you are, there’s some news from 2023 you need to be aware of.  Here it is:  The U.S. Surgeon General has declared that we are in a loneliness epidemic.  This declaration was made in May, 2023.

It seems obvious that during the covid crisis there was a lot of loneliness being felt. But, researchers say the crisis was well underway before that.  The covid crisis simply amplified what was already taking hold.

The Surgeon General’s report identified “The Six Pillars to Advance Social Connection.”  While I sincerely appreciate the Surgeon General’s initiative in identifying this crisis, forgive me for being a bit skeptical that public policy is going to fix our isolation and loneliness tendencies.

Statistically speaking, if you are reading this you are likely feeling lonely or have routine relationships with people that are feeling lonely.  According to research there are some alarming changes:

• Household Family Social Engagement – Down 5 hours per month
• Companionship – Down 14 hours per month
• Social Engagement with friends – Down 20 hours per month
• Non-Household Family Engagement – Down 6.5 hours per month
• Social Engagement with Others – Down 10 hours per month

That’s a lot of disconnection in our society.  What are we doing with our time?  Well, we’re likely not watching the news!  But, we are probably more engaged with digital media.  This engagement is not satisfying our social deficiencies.  It’s medicating, or numbing our minds to try not to feel these deficiencies.  

This is is an absolute crisis.  Technology and technology researchers are investing billions of dollars to consume our attentions with our screens.  They’re attempting to grab hold of our focus and sell us products for the sake of making billions more than they’re investing in research.  You cannot overcome their efforts without being incredibly intentional.  

Are you willing to get swallowed up by the digital tidal wave? Or, are you willing to be intentional about breaking free?  Whether you mean to or not, you’re making a choice.  If you’re not choosing to break free you are absolutely being swallowed up by it.
Action Step:  At the end of the day, take a moment to jot down the amount of time you believe you’ve engaged with digital social spaces (FB, Instagram, Reddit, TikTok, X, or any other social space).  The next day, actually track the amount of time you’ve spent using digital social media spaces.  See if your assumptions and your reality align.  Are there any changes you’d like to make to resist the digital tidal wave and re-engage in authentic community?

The post The National Loneliness Epidemic first appeared on Circle of 5 Coaching.